I’m sure this NEVER happens to you, but sometimes I get a little wrapped up in my own crap. Sometimes I lose my mind over the state of my home, being late to preschool, my husband leaving dishes in the sink. Sometimes I find myself losing sleep because my son doesn’t use his fork as well as his twin brother. Is he falling behind? What do we need to do to improve his fork skills? I should probably google that to see if we are missing something. I’m sure you NEVER sound like a crazy person but sometimes I do. Sometimes I get so anxious over the most trivial things.
Occasionally I gain perspective because I have to endure something that really IS hard or witness a friend or family member go through a tragedy. Last week I gained perspective in a different way. We got to spend a week on the gulf side of Florida. This was the first trip to the beach for our crazies. They were so excited. I was a mess of worry about the whole trip. I couldn’t get past the idea of a 17 hour drive….while potty training….twin….boys. I was concerned about the expense of this big of an adventure. I was worried we would forget something. I was worried about our dogs that were being dog sat by a new person. I hadn’t seen the ocean in almost 8 years and all I was doing was worrying about everything with no anticipation of the awesome that was about to happen.
The trip went way better than I could have ever expected. The only thing I forgot was sunscreen, which, believe it or not, you can buy in Florida. The boys had zero accidents on the drive down and back. Nobody drowned in the ocean. No one required an urgent care visit. No one puked. And everyone had fun! Somebody pinch me!
Our first morning, we woke up and had breakfast on the balcony overlooking the ocean and as we enjoyed the view we saw a beautiful rainbow. Sometimes I forget the vastness of the world while I’m wading through my own crap. Looking out at the seemingly endless ocean put things into perspective for me. I thought about how trivial my worries are compared to many others in the world. I thought about how amazing it is that in this vast world that we live in God knows and loves me. Even as everyone else works through their own stuff too, God loves me. Even as I let my worries consume me, God loves me through it, all the while loving everyone else through their stuff too.
I feel like the childhood version of myself had a better understanding of the “big-ness” of God. The God who throws rainbows in the sky and molds the earth in His hands. I found myself much more in awe of things then. I don’t want to lose that childlike faith and awe. This week I will look for times to be in absolute awe of this BIG GOD who loves little old me.
These two have been a challenge today. It has poured all day today and we are incredibly dependent on our ability to go outside and get our wiggles out. I pulled out my best stuff today. We made a pirate ship, went on an umbrella walk, they helped make lunch, we read books, watched Sesame Street, we made telescopes out of toilet paper rolls.
As I tried to make beds this afternoon they both jumped and pulled on the comforters of each bed and tossed pillows down as soon as I put them in place. It was like making beds with drunk, belligerent frat boys. In my I mean business mommy voice I told them to go downstairs and play in the playroom. As I finished up the last bed, I heard uncontrollable giggling coming from downstairs, which usually means someone is playing in the toilet. I ran down the stairs to find them tickling each other (in a completely nonviolent way).
It was so sweet. When we found out we were having twin boys, after I got done freaking out, I reassured myself that we would have moments like these. Sometimes in my day I let the crazy, not fun parenting stuff outweigh these moments in my mind. I get so negative in my own thoughts, and then there are moments like these that are so filling and refreshing and humbling. It still blows my mind that God gave these sweet, challenging, strong-willed, ticklish, screaming and amazing crazies to me. Most days I think He believes I have more patience than I do, most days my children humble me but everyday with them is a blessing rain or shine.
My twins boys are a little over two and a half. This week Christopher laid on the floor and tooted (our special word for gas) and laughed. He then did it again announcing, “Momma, I tooted!” and giggled more. Seriously, what happened to my sweet little boys. They are covered in mud every time we go outside. They spit to entertain each other. They make burping and throwing up sounds. They are remarkably destructive for people so small. Their toddlerhood is so different from what I remember from my daughter this age.
I recently saw a post that said, When you are raising boys you always know where you stand….in the middle of a hurricane.
Most days, this is exactly how it feels. I feel like they are my lesson in releasing control. I like to know what’s going to happen, when it will happen and most of the time I like to be the cause of a surprise not the victim of it. When you have boys you have to release this. When the sweet old lady at church comes up and reaches out to shake your little guys hand and he gives her enthusiastic “knuckles” instead, when your son releases gas in a quiet coffee shop, when he pees on the floor in front of your neighbors, when he rummages around in the bathroom and comes out with tampons for your guests like they are party favors you have to laugh or you will cry.
A friend recently sent me this quote, You can have faith or you can have control but you can’t have both. I’d say if you have boys you need a lot of faith.